I know, I know....I teased you. I was all "Yeah I'm gonna SAY stuff on here..." and then I bailed. I didn't mean to. It just that life is....well it is. It just IS right now. Here's what I do.....I cook. I clean. I run. I drive. I wipe away tears. I throw my head back and laugh. I rub backs. I color with crayons. I make homemade play-doh. I wrap birthday presents. I serve pizza and beer. I drink. I do yoga. I smile. I sleep soundly....all....night....long...zzzzzz.........I sit more comfortably when I sit....I lean into myself. Settled. Peaceful. I teach aerobics. I buy fireworks. I pack picnics. I float in the pool and yell about being splashed. I color with sidewalk chalk. I plant flowers. I buy rugs and sheets and small appliances. I shuttle back and forth and back and forth. I do not think about the future. I do not think about tomorrow. I live today. I talk through anxiety-ridden moments. I make homemade ice cream. I wash the dog and the car and dishes. I read. I paint. I don't think much.
This is my life right now. I have no time. I have no time. I have no time to myself. And its okay. The healing process has started.
For a while there Jacy resumed biting her fingernails. Touched me constantly as if I might disappear. Slept in the bed with me. She stopped the fingernails thing. And she looked at me a couple of weeks ago and said "Will you be scared sleeping alone if I sleep in my room tonight? You're hot when you sleep." Sweet baby.
Molly turned 13 today. I'm having a moment. She was angry and pissed off and belligerent for a while. She's sitting in my lap again. She's holding my hand. She's a toucher. She gets it from me. We're watching our TV shows together again. Talking about books. Cooking. We started a cooking blog together. We're cooking through The Pioneer Woman's Cookbook. You can read it if yantoo. Click here.
Things are good. Things are not calm. But things are good. I'll be back. Don't nag me.
The Vault